The craziest diets {indieberries}

Hi everyone, these posts were supposed to go up during my honeymoon, during which I needed something to keep you busy while I was away. You can't trust a scheduled post. None the less, first up I have the ridiculously talented and hilarious Che, all the way from Indieberries to tell you about her craziest diet. She has posted this on her blog before, but it just too funny not to share again. Take it away Che!

.....................

(valid question)

also (this one site) says "it's good for you!"

So we decided to embark on the MASTER CLEANSE. We changed the name to the MAPLE SYRUP CLEANSE. Because it's more friendly that way.


Then we went shopping for our supplies for the next ten days.
SIDE NOTE: grocery shopping for the next ten days when you are only buying bulk maple syrup, cayenne pepper and salt is not that fun.


Next step: perfect your concoction -

it really looked like that.

remember, there is no food.

(Also, you will notice that our expressions have not changed - conserve energy. vital.)

This sounds very simple.

- just give it a go.

This is like the OCEAN. in your mouth. THE OCEAN.

Me: You're kidding.
Kristi: We gotta do it.
Me: why?
Kristi: Because we can't chug the salt.
Me: but why do we need the salt?! why?!
Kristi: Because there isn't anything to get the rotten food out. We need something to force it out. so that we can be CLEANSED you know. That's the whole point.
Me: I don't want to.
Kristi: Beyonce did it.
(silence)
Me: ok fine then.

Don't worry we practiced the mime for constipation very thoroughly before we arrived at the chemist.

and then, in perfect American English:

yes, the onlookers were on-looking.

Using our limited combined Korean vocab, we were actually able to ask literally for the "master-of-poo-tea" and indeed we got it. Salt water can FLUSH MY ASS.

After getting our lovely laxative tea - we continued on the MAPLE SYRUP CLEANSE for the next 6 days. During which time, we experienced migraines, faintness, blurred vision, sensitive teeth due to maple syrup, constricted throats due to lemon juice, perhaps some strange poop, if you even poop at all. oh, and the hunger... did i mention that? At some point during the cleanse slow death, food begins to talk to you in a faint whisper, telling you how wonderful it is. Non-food objects become wildly appealing.

(this really happened)

You will think things such as, "i know I'm not allowed to have any extra food... but what if i just nibble on that piece of paper.....kristi?... would that be ok?". Your friends will tell you that you are insane. You will think they are trying to SABOTAGE you. (they are not. they really just think you are insane).

Eventually you reach DAY 10:

At the end of the ten days, you will most likely have lost half a head of hair, developed toxin-induced skin rashes, cayenne-pepper stomach ulcers and lost about 4 kilograms. it's not pretty.

but, on the other hand, you will always be able to say:

*The end*

only read if you are interested in the maple syrup cleanse:

* * * * * *    MAPLE SYRUP CLEANSE    * * * * * *

What I learnt doing the Maple Syrup (Master) Cleanse:


(Disclaimer: I actually steered off the Maple Syrup Cleanse after day 8 and starting drinking orange juice instead of the maple syrup concoction - see why below.)

• There are drastic and "quick" (if you consider "quick" being ten days) ways of losing a bunch of weight. In my opinion (which is not professional) you will lose weight. (Let me remind you though that TEN days with no food, does not go "QUICK"). You will also put it back on very quickly.
• Eating is extremely social and if you are not acutely aware of this already - then you will really become aware of it when you have to turn down dinner dates and get togethers because there is no point in spending your entire evening at a restaurant or friends house just smelling the air around you. It will make you hungry, miserable and unsociable.
• Without food, you will be grouchy. Even if you are usually Little Miss Sunshine. There is no way around this. 
• There is some critical point that when you pass it, you will feel like it's not really that bad and that you could do it for a while and be content. I think this day came around day 4 or day 5 for me.
• You will become very aware of how many (excess) calories people consume around you and how little calories are actually needed for basic survival. This is actually very liberating and probably the most beneficial thing I got out of the cleanse.
• You will be SICK of the taste of Maple syrup and Lemon juice. Because we live in a world were there are so many diverse flavours and tastes and rich food experiences, You will see how quickly your body becomes sick of one flavour. Hence the switch to orange juice - day 8.
• Your teeth will become sensitive. You will definitely experience headaches at some point.
• You will feel some warped sense of accomplishment. 
• If you are usually a very active person, you will feel frustrated at having to lower your activity levels.
• Your general perception towards food will change.

I am not going to put a link to any maple syrup cleanses because I don't believe or advocate it as a healthy dieting/cleansing option. If you want to try it, you can google it, you will find it. Let me know how it goes for you :) Don't die.